This year I was very fortunate to spend five weeks abroad in Spain and France. This amount of time is long enough to throw your circadian rhythms completely out of whack. Upon my return, I’ve found myself falling asleep on the couch at 4 PM and waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 4 AM, much to the dismay of my wife who for some reason is not interested in waking up in complete darkness. ;)
And I think it’s long enough for your gut to adjust to new food exposures. I’m not sure I would say I absolutely love the food and cuisine in Spain in France. Both are a bit more bland than what I’m used to. Certainly much less spice making for some really strong and severe Mexican food cravings! But with the agricultural regulations employed in Europe, there’s something different about how food impacts your belly. Pasta doesn’t seem to create this same sense of bloating that I would get in the states. Milk tastes much milkier in Europe but doesn’t cause distress. And upon my return home, I’ve had a general sense of G.I. uneasiness. I can’t exactly pinpoint what causes it, but I’ve taken more Tums in the last two weeks then I care to admit.
But this year, I’ve experienced something different up upon returning home. People have asked me if I’m excited to be home and I know the socially correct response is to emphatically say YES and waive an American flag high in the air!! And there was indeed an initial sense of euphoria upon returning home. I had already reconnected with my family for the past two weeks in France, which was the biggest thing I missed because THAT is home. But I was also very excited to sleep in my bed, to see my dog, to get back on my bike, and to see friends. And that lasted a couple days. And then something changed.
For the past week or so (one week after returning), I’ve felt very uneasy mentally. Anxious. Irritable. Overwhelmed. Lonely. Sad even. And this has not gone unnoticed by those close to me. My wife called me out on this yesterday when she said “You don’t seem happy. You don’t seem like you are here.” And she’s right (as usual). In my brain, I’ve been wondering and ruminating about these feelings. But not sharing these ideas with others because I don’t want to bring anyone down. Frustrated at some things that are different than before. Things that seem like they could be better here but aren’t. (I’m looking at you fancy trains!) In the lowest moments, not feeling like I know my place. Even rethinking my career and overall purpose in life.
Now I know I experienced a bit of this last year, but not nearly to this degree. And after A LOT of thought and some research….I’ve come to a conclusion. I think what I’m experiencing is Reverse culture shock (https://2009-2017.state.gov/m/fsi/tc/c55963.htm). It turns out this is fairly common for people who’ve been abroad for a period of time. And after feeling what I’ve felt for the past few days, there is a lot of comfort in knowing this.
Reverse culture shock is accompanied by most of the symptoms I’ve described before. For some people, it lasts a few days or weeks, and for others it can last months. I’m really hoping I fall in the “days-weeks” camp because it’s no picnic. In terms of why I’m feeling this way this year, I think a lot of it has to do with how much the United States has changed over the past year and how different this country looks compared to the countries I visited. First and foremost, my life’s work as a professor and scientist is being challenged every day under this new administration. Truth seekers (e.g., scientists, journalists, activists) are being suppressed. Immigrants are being treated with cruelty. This is a stark contrast. In my five weeks abroad, I felt like a guest being welcomed into somebody’s home. The people in Spain and France were so kind and warm. (The idea that the French are cold to Americans is a myth.) And I know those people exist here too but the folks in charge right now don’t seem to share this sentiment which is disheartening. And there are other things, but I won’t bore you with the details.
So why post about all this stuff? Well, through my research, I learned one of the best ways to get through these feelings is to blog about it. (Hey, I have blog!!) That’s the selfish reason. The less selfish reason is to share this with others who might be experiencing similar feelings and let them know that these are normal and common feelings. We talk a lot about culture shock that can occur when visiting a new and different place, but I never once considered the idea of reverse culture shock that comes from returning home.
And writing this blog out actually did help. I’m not hoping to go back to the person that I was prior to traveling abroad. Traveling fundamentally changes your perspective in a great way. I don’t want to unsee things. But I do want to have the ability to contextualize my feelings. I spent five weeks looking for all the amazing things in another country. I came back comparing that experience to what things are like here and started looking for the things that were missing here. I want to get back to looking for the beautiful things that exist here, at home. So that’s my focus right now. And this is a much better thing to think about.
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